I Thought It Was Love: The Truth About Trauma Bonding

There was a time I believed love was supposed to hurt a little.

I thought the back-and-forth was passion. The silence was space. The fear I felt must’ve meant I was being too sensitive.

Years later, I learned the truth. I wasn’t in love. I was trauma bonded.

What Trauma Bonding Really Is

Trauma bonding is an emotional attachment that forms between a victim and the person hurting them. It builds over time through a mix of confusion, affection, fear, and small moments that feel like hope.

Here’s how it usually plays out:

They hurt you, then they hold you. They apologize, but nothing really changes. They promise to do better, and maybe they do... for a little while. You think about leaving, but something inside pulls you back.

That "something" is the trauma bond. It’s powerful. It’s painful. And it feels nearly impossible to break.

Why We Stay, Even When It Hurts

If you’ve ever asked yourself, “Why can’t I just walk away?” you’re not the only one.

Trauma bonding creates a cycle in your brain that connects love with pain. The good moments feel like a reward. You keep trying to earn them again. You hold on, hoping the version of them you fell for will come back.

When you add isolation, fear, and financial control into the mix, staying starts to feel like the safer option. But safer doesn’t mean safe.

Signs You Might Be Trauma Bonded

Not every situation looks the same, but here are some signs I’ve lived through myself:

• Feeling stuck to someone who repeatedly hurts you

• Defending their actions, even when they cross the line

• Blaming yourself for their moods or outbursts

• Making excuses for things you would never tolerate from anyone else

• Feeling like you lost who you were before the relationship

If any of that feels familiar, take a deep breath. You are not broken. You are not weak. You are inside a pattern that was designed to keep you unsure and dependent.

How I Started to Break the Cycle

There was no dramatic exit. Just small, quiet steps.

1. I Started Learning

I started reading everything I could find. I learned the words I had never heard before. Words like gaslighting, coercive control, and trauma bonding. They gave me language for the things I had experienced. That clarity changed everything. It’s also what pushed me to write Behind the Smile: The Unseen Signs of Emotional Abuse, so other women wouldn’t feel alone the way I once did.

2. I Got Quiet Support

Before I spoke to anyone, I started writing things down. What he said. How it made me feel. What changed and what didn’t. I didn’t need proof for anyone else. I needed truth for myself.

3. I Made a Plan

I didn’t just leave. I prepared. I gathered my documents, changed passwords, shipped items to an Amazon locker, moved it to a storage unit, and created a plan for what I would need when I finally walked away. That’s what inspired the Empowered Exit Plan. It’s everything I wish I had years ago.

You Don’t Have to Do This Alone

You are not too damaged to heal. You do not have to wait for things to get worse before you’re allowed to leave. You do not need to prove that it was “bad enough.”

If this is the first time you’re seeing the truth, welcome. You’ve already done the hardest part.

Want to Go Deeper?

📘 Read the Book Behind the Smile: The Unseen Signs of Emotional Abuse is part memoir, part guide. It’s the book I wish someone had handed me.

📥 Download the Empowered Exit Plan This $27 digital guide walks you through how to leave safely. Mentally, emotionally, and practically. Giving you a BONUS - call to help you strategize. There is also a Free sample you can download.

💬 Reach Out If you’re ready to talk, I’m building a quiet space for women who are starting over. No judgment. Just truth and support.

Final Word

You do not need permission to protect yourself. You do not need to wait until you’re shattered to walk away. You do not owe your loyalty to someone who keeps hurting you.

You need the truth.

You need a plan. And you only need enough courage for one step at a time.

I see you. I’ve been where you are.

And I’m standing beside you now.