Stalking Awareness: Signs, Coercive Control, and Safety Planning Every Woman Needs to Know
- Tiffiny Newton
- 4 days ago
- 7 min read
TL;DR
Stalking is a pattern of unwanted behaviors used to monitor, intimidate, or control someone. It often comes from a current or former partner, but it can also come from a stranger or acquaintance who learns your routine. Stalking frequently overlaps with coercive control, emotional abuse, and technology-based surveillance. It can look like repeated messages, showing up at your home or work, tracking your phone location, monitoring emails, hacking accounts, using shared devices, and contacting people in your life. The danger is real and can escalate. Trust your instincts, document everything, reduce digital exposure, and build a safety plan that fits your situation.
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January is National Stalking Awareness Month, a time dedicated to educating the public on recognizing the signs of stalking and taking steps to protect yourself. Stalking is not rare, and it is not a harmless inconvenience. It is a serious safety issue that can escalate, especially when stalking is part of coercive control.
National data shows one in three women and one in six men will experience stalking in their lifetime. Those numbers are not just statistics. They represent millions of people who have lived with the stress of being watched, tracked, followed, and psychologically cornered.
The hard truth is this: stalking is often misunderstood because people picture a stranger lurking in the shadows. In real life, stalking is frequently committed by someone the victim knows and once trusted. That changes the risk, the tactics, and the path to safety.
This guide answers the questions people actually search online, and it gives realistic safety steps that do not assume you can just “block them” and move on.
What is considered stalking?
Stalking is a pattern of repeated, unwanted behavior that causes fear, distress, or concern for safety. It is not about romance. It is not about closure. It is not about “winning you back.” (SPARC, Stalking Awareness, Prevention, and Resource Center)
Stalking can include:
Repeated calls, texts, emails, DMs, voicemails
Contact after you clearly said stop
Showing up at your home, work, gym, or favorite places
Following you in public or driving past your home
Leaving gifts, notes, or objects to force your attention
Contacting your friends, family, coworkers, or employer
Monitoring your social media or creating fake accounts
Tracking your location through apps, devices, or shared accounts
Threatening you, intimidating you, or implying you are not safe
It does not have to be physically violent to be dangerous. The goal is often psychological control: making you feel watched, powerless, and unable to live freely.
What is coercive control and how does it connect to stalking?
Coercive control is an ongoing pattern of behaviors designed to dominate another person’s life. It is not just one argument. It is the slow tightening of a cage.
Coercive control can include:
Isolation from friends and family
Controlling money, transportation, or access to work
Monitoring where you go, what you wear, who you talk to
Constant check-ins and accusations
Punishment for “disobedience” or independence
Threats, humiliation, intimidation, or reputation attacks
Using children, pets, immigration status, or finances as leverage
Stalking often becomes the enforcement arm of coercive control. If the victim pulls away, the stalker tries to regain power through surveillance, intimidation, and forced contact.
If someone repeatedly violates your boundaries, shows up where they should not be, and tracks your life, that is not love. That is control.
How do I know if I am being stalked?
This question is common because stalking often starts in ways that can be explained away.
You may be experiencing stalking if:
Someone continues contacting you after you asked them to stop
They show up in places tied to your routine “by coincidence”
They know details you never told them
They comment on your movements, timing, or whereabouts
They contact your coworkers, friends, family, or neighbors
They use multiple phone numbers or accounts after being blocked
You feel watched, unsafe, or on edge, even without “proof”
You find yourself changing your behavior to avoid them
Here is a key point: stalking often forces you into self-censorship. You stop posting. You stop going places. You stop living freely. That shrinking of your life is not accidental. It is the intended outcome.
Is stalking always done by an ex or intimate partner?
No. But intimate partner stalking is common and often more dangerous because of access and history.
Stalking can be committed by:
A current or former spouse or partner
Someone you dated briefly
A friend who became obsessive
A coworker or acquaintance
A neighbor
Someone who develops fixation after limited contact
A stranger who learns your schedule
Stalking is about entitlement and access, not the relationship label.
What is intimate partner stalking?
Intimate partner stalking is stalking committed by a current or former partner. This includes dating partners and ex spouses. (Love is Respect)
This type of stalker often already knows:
Your routine and schedule
Where you work
Where you park
What triggers fear in you
Who you rely on for support
Your passwords or the answers to security questions
The “soft spots” in your life, like children, finances, or emotions
Intimate partner stalking often overlaps with domestic violence, emotional abuse, and coercive control. It can intensify after a breakup, separation, filing for divorce, or starting a new relationship. The stalker may feel they are losing control and try to regain it through monitoring, harassment, and intimidation.
Common manipulation phrases include:
“I just want to talk.”
“I need closure.”
“I was worried about you.”
“I had a right to know where you were.”
Those are not neutral statements. They are control statements.
What is stranger stalking and why can it be dangerous?
Stranger stalking or acquaintance stalking can be terrifying because it is unpredictable.
This can include:
A customer who becomes fixated
A neighbor who watches your routines
A coworker who escalates after rejection
Someone who sees you regularly and learns your schedule
Someone who becomes obsessed after minimal contact
The risk here is that you may not understand what “story” they have built in their head. Some stalkers convince themselves they have a relationship with you or that they are entitled to access. In these situations, small boundary-setting moments can trigger escalation.
Stranger stalking can escalate quickly because there is less history, less emotional connection, and sometimes fewer warning signs that others recognize. (CDC)
What is technology-facilitated stalking?
Technology-facilitated stalking is one of the fastest-growing forms of stalking. It is stalking through devices, accounts, and digital access.
Tech stalking can include:
Logging into your email or social media
Reading your texts through shared devices or synced accounts
Using shared Apple IDs or Google accounts to track you
Tracking your location through Find My, Life360, Google Maps, or other apps
Installing spyware or stalkerware on your phone
Monitoring your browsing history, call logs, or messages
Using smart home devices like cameras, doorbells, thermostats, or speakers to intimidate or monitor (NNEDV, Safety Net Project)
Signs of tech stalking:
Your passwords suddenly stop working
You get login alerts you did not initiate
Messages show as read when you did not open them
Someone references conversations you had privately
Your phone battery drains unusually fast or the device overheats
Your location seems to be known even when you do not share it
Important safety note: If you suspect tech stalking, do not announce it. Quiet changes are safer than confrontations, especially when the stalker is an intimate partner.
Is showing up at work stalking?
Yes. Showing up at work uninvited is a serious escalation and often a power move.
Workplace stalking can include:
Appearing at your job “to talk”
Waiting in parking lots
Calling your workplace repeatedly
Contacting coworkers or supervisors
Sending gifts, notes, or messages to your job
Creating scenes or embarrassing you publicly
Workplace stalking is dangerous because it limits your ability to leave, affects your income, and pressures you to respond. It can also pull other people into your situation, which stalkers sometimes use as leverage.
If someone shows up at your work without permission, treat it as an escalation, not a coincidence.
What is the “Sign for Help” and when should it be used?
The Signal for Help is a discreet hand gesture used to indicate someone is in danger and cannot safely speak. It is one tool that can help when someone is being monitored or fears retaliation for asking for help.
It is especially relevant in stalking and coercive control situations where the victim’s communication is watched.
Important: silent signals are not a replacement for emergency response, but they can save lives when verbal requests are not safe.
Why is stalking so dangerous?
Stalking is dangerous because it is often a predictor of escalation. It is not “annoying.” It is not “drama.” It is behavior associated with increased risk of violence, especially in intimate partner contexts.
Warning signs of increased danger include:
Escalating frequency or intensity
Threats to harm you, themselves, children, or pets
Attempts to isolate you or sabotage your support system
Ignoring legal boundaries or protective orders
Access to weapons
Statements of ownership like “If I can’t have you, no one will.”
Here is something many women need to hear plainly: your fear is not irrational.
Your fear is your nervous system reading patterns. (RAINN)
What should I do if I am being stalked?
Safety planning depends on your situation, especially whether the stalker is an intimate partner or someone with less access. But there are practical steps that help many victims.
Document everything. Save screenshots, voicemails, emails, and messages. Write down dates, times, locations, and witnesses. Documentation matters for workplace safety plans, legal action, and protective orders.
Reduce digital exposure. Change passwords from a safer device. Turn off location sharing. Review app permissions. Consider separating shared Apple IDs or Google accounts. Use two-factor authentication.
Tell a few safe people. Choose people who will take it seriously. Share a photo if safe. Share details of the behavior, not just your feelings. “He’s been waiting in the parking lot at 6:10” gets action faster than “He’s being weird.”
Consider a workplace safety plan. If your stalker is showing up at work, talk to a supervisor or HR if safe to do so. Ask for parking escorts, changes to your schedule visibility, and protocols for unwanted visitors.
Reach out to professionals. Advocacy organizations can help you safety plan based on your specific risk level. You do not have to handle this alone.
Trust escalation patterns. If behavior is escalating, treat it like escalation. Many victims wait for “enough proof.” Stalkers rely on that delay. Empowered Exit Plan National Domestic Violence Hotline
What do people get wrong about stalking?
People minimize stalking constantly, which is one reason it persists.
Common minimizing phrases include:
“They’re just worried.”
“They miss you.”
“They just want closure.”
“It’s not that serious.”
Stalking is not misunderstanding. It is entitlement.
If someone keeps violating your boundaries,
they are telling you who they are. Believe them.
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